2 weeks later

I've had two weeks to process, and it isn't any easier. I still have questions that are unanswered...and I still have a heart that's broken (again). I don't know why or how this happens to me. I don't know how I'm singled out. And I don't know why I'm always the one that walks away hurt.

N., you put my heart in a blender and pulverized it. You completely took advantage of me. I just wish you would have been honest from the beginning. I wouldn't be heartbroken now, and I wouldn't be missing you. I don't know how different my life would be now, but I like to think that it'd be a whole lot better than this. This hurts. This sucks.

Why? Why did you do this? Why did you get to walk away almost unscathed? You got to leave with everything you had before, minus me. I walked away with nothing. No prospect. No one. I've had to cope alone. More alone than you will ever realize.

I should have known. I should have seen the signs. You were way too good to be true, but I believed you. I trusted you. Trusting you was my biggest downfall. I never should have. I never should have believed you. I did. I cared for you. I still do, in some twisted sick way.

Sometimes I wish I would have been selfish and asked you to leave her. I wanted you to leave her. And I wanted to make you all mine. But, I knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right because she doesn't deserve to be hurt. Neither do they. They never asked for this. They never asked for their father to be a dick.

You don't deserve them. You don't deserve to contaminate their lives with deceit. They deserve love. She especially does. She needed you when you were talking to me...making me feel special. She deserved all the attention you wasted on me. I deserve better than you, but she deserved you. She deserves your love...your attention...your desire.

I wish I knew the end from the beginning. I wish I knew everything that you withheld from me when we met. I wish for lots of things...but all I ever asked for was honesty. You never gave it to me...not completely. You told me bits and pieces...but I wanted all of it.

Sometimes I wish I never fell for you, I never met you. But I wouldn't know this pain, and I wouldn't know how to deal with it. Life needs to be lived...and this is probably one of the hardest lessons I will ever have to learn.

At least I know I'm a good person, and I'm not one that is willing to break up a family that didn't deserve to get hurt. I hope you get everything you deserve in life. I hope that when, and if, she finds out...she hurts you like you hurt me.

You will never know this pain. You will never know the emptiness.

2 weeks isn't long enough to forget you...but it's long enough to process the things that happened.

J...I'm so sorry. Had I known, I wouldn't have done this to your family. I know that the chances of you reading this are really slim, but if you ever do...just know that N. deceived me. If I knew he was married to you...I never, ever would have talked to him. You deserve the best...and I hope you get all of it. And your boys, they need their father. Just remember that, no matter the outcome.

There will always be unanswered questions...but I know one thing. I know that I deserve better than anything you could have given me. I deserve honesty...and love. I deserve to have someone love me that can love me completely. I shouldn't have to share.

It's started...

I never got this whole "biological clock" crap. Not until my 25th birthday last October. I thought it was a load of bull...but its not. Its one of the hardest changes I've had to deal with thus far in my life. It didn't really kick in until the holidays. If I could turn it off, I gladly would.

I see babies...and something inside me goes crazy. My clock constantly reads, "baby time". I wish I knew how to turn back time...or fast forward to a time where I had a baby so this would be all over.

I have a best friend. I love her. Don't get me wrong. I just, I cant talk to her about this ticking. She doesn't get it. She has one. She's going to have a second by the end of this year. My mom doesn't get it. No one I know gets it. Most of the people that I know that are my age, have one, don't want one, or haven't encountered this "clock" problem. Its a private war that I'm engaged in...and I just want it to be over already.

Back to this best friend of mine. I don't know if I can handle another one of her pregnancies. The first one was so much work...on my end. I mean, not as much work as growing a person, but it was emotionally draining. She called me to talk about every single aspect of her pregnancy. It was fun...sometimes. Most of the time, I just wanted to ignore her calls. But I answered them...well, most of them.

It hurts. It doesn't help. And it makes me mad when she thinks she knows what's best for me. "I don't think you're ready for a baby." That made me so mad when she said that. Most of the time we get along great. But when she said that, I was fuming. Absolutely upset.

No one gets this "biological clock" until it happens to them. I didn't think it'd happen to me, but it hit me with a vengeance. Its like my body hates me and WANTS me to suffer. Its like my mind is playing games with me. Like my heart wants to kill itself.

I'm happy, until I see that adorable baby that a co-worker just had. I'm happy, until my uterus makes it's presence known when that 2 year old waves at me and smiles. I just want to turn it off for a little bit. I don't want to die a little inside every time I see someone YEARS younger than me pregnant.

When will the crying end?