It's started...

I never got this whole "biological clock" crap. Not until my 25th birthday last October. I thought it was a load of bull...but its not. Its one of the hardest changes I've had to deal with thus far in my life. It didn't really kick in until the holidays. If I could turn it off, I gladly would.

I see babies...and something inside me goes crazy. My clock constantly reads, "baby time". I wish I knew how to turn back time...or fast forward to a time where I had a baby so this would be all over.

I have a best friend. I love her. Don't get me wrong. I just, I cant talk to her about this ticking. She doesn't get it. She has one. She's going to have a second by the end of this year. My mom doesn't get it. No one I know gets it. Most of the people that I know that are my age, have one, don't want one, or haven't encountered this "clock" problem. Its a private war that I'm engaged in...and I just want it to be over already.

Back to this best friend of mine. I don't know if I can handle another one of her pregnancies. The first one was so much work...on my end. I mean, not as much work as growing a person, but it was emotionally draining. She called me to talk about every single aspect of her pregnancy. It was fun...sometimes. Most of the time, I just wanted to ignore her calls. But I answered them...well, most of them.

It hurts. It doesn't help. And it makes me mad when she thinks she knows what's best for me. "I don't think you're ready for a baby." That made me so mad when she said that. Most of the time we get along great. But when she said that, I was fuming. Absolutely upset.

No one gets this "biological clock" until it happens to them. I didn't think it'd happen to me, but it hit me with a vengeance. Its like my body hates me and WANTS me to suffer. Its like my mind is playing games with me. Like my heart wants to kill itself.

I'm happy, until I see that adorable baby that a co-worker just had. I'm happy, until my uterus makes it's presence known when that 2 year old waves at me and smiles. I just want to turn it off for a little bit. I don't want to die a little inside every time I see someone YEARS younger than me pregnant.

When will the crying end?