2 weeks later

I've had two weeks to process, and it isn't any easier. I still have questions that are unanswered...and I still have a heart that's broken (again). I don't know why or how this happens to me. I don't know how I'm singled out. And I don't know why I'm always the one that walks away hurt.

N., you put my heart in a blender and pulverized it. You completely took advantage of me. I just wish you would have been honest from the beginning. I wouldn't be heartbroken now, and I wouldn't be missing you. I don't know how different my life would be now, but I like to think that it'd be a whole lot better than this. This hurts. This sucks.

Why? Why did you do this? Why did you get to walk away almost unscathed? You got to leave with everything you had before, minus me. I walked away with nothing. No prospect. No one. I've had to cope alone. More alone than you will ever realize.

I should have known. I should have seen the signs. You were way too good to be true, but I believed you. I trusted you. Trusting you was my biggest downfall. I never should have. I never should have believed you. I did. I cared for you. I still do, in some twisted sick way.

Sometimes I wish I would have been selfish and asked you to leave her. I wanted you to leave her. And I wanted to make you all mine. But, I knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right because she doesn't deserve to be hurt. Neither do they. They never asked for this. They never asked for their father to be a dick.

You don't deserve them. You don't deserve to contaminate their lives with deceit. They deserve love. She especially does. She needed you when you were talking to me...making me feel special. She deserved all the attention you wasted on me. I deserve better than you, but she deserved you. She deserves your love...your attention...your desire.

I wish I knew the end from the beginning. I wish I knew everything that you withheld from me when we met. I wish for lots of things...but all I ever asked for was honesty. You never gave it to me...not completely. You told me bits and pieces...but I wanted all of it.

Sometimes I wish I never fell for you, I never met you. But I wouldn't know this pain, and I wouldn't know how to deal with it. Life needs to be lived...and this is probably one of the hardest lessons I will ever have to learn.

At least I know I'm a good person, and I'm not one that is willing to break up a family that didn't deserve to get hurt. I hope you get everything you deserve in life. I hope that when, and if, she finds out...she hurts you like you hurt me.

You will never know this pain. You will never know the emptiness.

2 weeks isn't long enough to forget you...but it's long enough to process the things that happened.

J...I'm so sorry. Had I known, I wouldn't have done this to your family. I know that the chances of you reading this are really slim, but if you ever do...just know that N. deceived me. If I knew he was married to you...I never, ever would have talked to him. You deserve the best...and I hope you get all of it. And your boys, they need their father. Just remember that, no matter the outcome.

There will always be unanswered questions...but I know one thing. I know that I deserve better than anything you could have given me. I deserve honesty...and love. I deserve to have someone love me that can love me completely. I shouldn't have to share.

It's started...

I never got this whole "biological clock" crap. Not until my 25th birthday last October. I thought it was a load of bull...but its not. Its one of the hardest changes I've had to deal with thus far in my life. It didn't really kick in until the holidays. If I could turn it off, I gladly would.

I see babies...and something inside me goes crazy. My clock constantly reads, "baby time". I wish I knew how to turn back time...or fast forward to a time where I had a baby so this would be all over.

I have a best friend. I love her. Don't get me wrong. I just, I cant talk to her about this ticking. She doesn't get it. She has one. She's going to have a second by the end of this year. My mom doesn't get it. No one I know gets it. Most of the people that I know that are my age, have one, don't want one, or haven't encountered this "clock" problem. Its a private war that I'm engaged in...and I just want it to be over already.

Back to this best friend of mine. I don't know if I can handle another one of her pregnancies. The first one was so much work...on my end. I mean, not as much work as growing a person, but it was emotionally draining. She called me to talk about every single aspect of her pregnancy. It was fun...sometimes. Most of the time, I just wanted to ignore her calls. But I answered them...well, most of them.

It hurts. It doesn't help. And it makes me mad when she thinks she knows what's best for me. "I don't think you're ready for a baby." That made me so mad when she said that. Most of the time we get along great. But when she said that, I was fuming. Absolutely upset.

No one gets this "biological clock" until it happens to them. I didn't think it'd happen to me, but it hit me with a vengeance. Its like my body hates me and WANTS me to suffer. Its like my mind is playing games with me. Like my heart wants to kill itself.

I'm happy, until I see that adorable baby that a co-worker just had. I'm happy, until my uterus makes it's presence known when that 2 year old waves at me and smiles. I just want to turn it off for a little bit. I don't want to die a little inside every time I see someone YEARS younger than me pregnant.

When will the crying end?

It hurts. Please, make it stop...

My heart hurts. Way more than I can recall it hurting. Seems that I've had a very very unfortunate set of events happen in my personal life, and I don't know how or why it happened.

Firstly, boys suck. Secondly, some sisters do too.

I saw my ex boyfriend (I'm pretty sure we were dating at the time, but I'll explain) at work the day before Thanksgiving, and again yesterday. He's been with the same girl each time, and I'm pretty sure they're dating.

I really liked him. I did. He was kind, considerate...smart. I don't meet many of those here, but when I met him, it was nice. We hung out a lot. We watched movies. He just seemed to "get me". I've only met a handful of people that actually get me.

Well, I went to my cousin's wedding in California in August of 2007. I saw him the night before, he kissed me goodbye, and told me he'd call me when I got back.

...he disappeared. I never spoke to him again. I never saw him again...until Thanksgiving. I talked to him online, twice. One of the times, I asked him why he disappeared and acted like a jerk. He said (more or less) that he liked me "too much" and he "didn't want to get hurt, again". Please. I know better. When a guy likes a girl, they MAKE an effort to be with them. They don't disappear.

Stupid boy.

Now, to the sister that sucks. She wants everything. Everything for herself. I love her because I have to. But most of the time, I don't like her. Like now. I don't like her.

There's this friend (oh, he's a guy, and he sucks too) that I've known for a million years. Well, more like 10, but it's felt like a million. We've been friends, and then we haven't been friends. Its this vicious circle that we play in. Well, I found him on Facebook, and I asked my sister to add him because I knew he wouldn't add me. We were on the outs. Anyway, she added him months ago...and they rarely spoke (that I know of). Well, a couple of days ago, he added me, and he's messaged me MAYBE twice. Maybe. We were "best" friends. Well, come to find out, via Facebook, that chances are they probably talked ALL night last night.

Here are the reasons why it sucks...for me. My sister, if she sees something she wants, she gets it. 97% of the time. This guy, I'll call JD, if he's a typical guy, he's fell into her web...and he's hers. No changing it.

So, if they've "fallen" for each other, I'm out a friend AND a sister. I cant be friends with my sister now. This isn't the first time she's done something like this. But it WILL be the last. I refuse, REFUSE, to be second to my sister. I'm great. JD knew that once upon a time.

Sometimes I THOUGHT I loved this JD fella. Maybe I did. Maybe I was stupid. Sometimes I thought I'd end up with him, but now, I don't know if I even want to be his friend. I don't even want to be my sister's sister anymore.

What a vicious world this is sometimes...

From a busy brain.

Lots of things are going through this head of mine. Different thoughts. Different desires. Different emotions. Sometimes I think about things, and I wonder if I'm curious about things that will get me in trouble. One thought leads to another...and another...and another. I go off on tangents, and I usually can find my way back to the original thought. Other times, I'm in trouble because I don't know how I went from one thought to the other.

I was talking to this guy J (that's all I'll call him) at work. He's adorable. Unavailable, older, 2 daughters, but adorable. We talk about things. Random things. He likes to read. Wait, I take that back. He loves to read. This is how our conversation went:

Me: I was at Barnes and Noble one day and I saw this book called "Why Men Marry Bitches"

J: You should buy that and send it to my ex-wife.

M: (I laugh. It was kind of uncomfortable. I go off on a tangent, as usual) My dad doesn't love me. I'm pretty sure of it. He doesn't hate me, but he definitely doesn't love me.

J: That's sad.

M: Too bad it's true. He doesn't like my mom either. My mom said to me once, "Your dad was indifferent to me. He didn't care either way. Now your sister's dad, he was passionate about me. For a time, he loved me passionately. Very recently, he's hated me passionately. You want someone to be passionate about you. You want them to either passionately hate you, or passionately love you. There's a fine line between love and hate."

Okay, that whole dialogue was a build up to what I really was planning on writing about.

I think my mom may be right about the whole love/hate thing. I'm pretty sure that love and hate can manifest in about the same way. When you love someone, you'd do anything for that person. When you hate someone, you'd do anything for that person. When you hate someone, you'd do anything to avoid that person. You'd do anything to make sure you never ever have to make contact with them. But when you love someone, you'd do anything to be close to them and anything to make sure that they know you love them.

I know, it's twisted.

There's this guy I know. He's different. Weird. Awkward. Lots of things describe him. I was talking to a church someone and I asked him, "Do I have to like everyone?" The jist of what he told me was, "You are entitled to dislike someone. You don't have to be mean to him, but you don't have to be his best friend." I went on to tell him our history, and he proceeds to tell me, "I see a love/hate relationship between you." I blurt out, "You are one crazy man." He laughed...and I was embarrassed that I actually said that.

The thing that sucks the most...

...I think he's right. Dang it.

Ashley, Ashlee, and Ashli

I was born in 1983, the height of the "Ashley" movement. In 1983, Ashley jumped up 13 places to #4. In 1984, to #3. In 1982, it hit #2 where it stayed until 1991. In 1991, it hit #1. In 1993, it went back to #2. In 1996, it was #3. In 1998, it hit #4. It slipped to #6 in 1999. And for the last 8 years, it's been the 5th most popular name.

For a long time, I didn't like my name. I didn't like being an Ashley, because every time I turned around, they were calling the other Ashley. I had no idea what my mother was thinking when she bestowed this on me.

I've spent the majority of my adult life debunking the myth that ALL Ashley's are dumb, ditsy, not the brightest crayon in the box. It's been really hard. I mean, REALLY hard. I actually have a co-worker that said, "You are probably the smartest Ashley I know." I was happy to hear it. It just means that all my efforts weren't in vain! YES!

For a long time I hated my name. No, scratch that, I despised it. I wish my mother would have given me another name. A different name. A cooler name. Growing up, there were lots of Ashley's...Ashlee's...and Ashli's. It sucked. I graduated with a handful, and there were even more in lower grades.

No, I wasn't named after Ashley in Gone With The Wind. Actually, I was named after Fonzie's girlfriend...but thanks.

Yes, I know. A-s-h-l-e-y is a boy's spelling. But, did YOU know that it's only a boy's spelling if the majority of babies named Ashley are actually boys. But since the majority of babies named Ashley in the States are girls, it's a girl's spelling.

It took me a long time, but I like my name. I look like an Ashley. I'm cooler than the average Ashley. Its a good thing now.

I know, it's been a while.

I'm really REALLY good at doing something a few times and then not ever doing it again. Well, I was talking to my cousin Nicole (yes, I do have a sister Nicole. It's a long story) and I got side-tracked while talking to her because I was reading her blog. She said, "If I'm doing it, you should do it too."

So, now I'm back. Woot! :0)

In July, I shot my first wedding. No, I didn't shoot them up with an AK47. It should have been great. Should have. It was a mess. A disaster. Some of the pictures are amazing. The ones I absolutely hate are the ones that I didn't want to do.

The wedding was in Bountiful. I live in Southern Utah, and I told the bride that the only way I could do it was if she gave me money for mileage. It seemed like a REALLY good idea. I was doing it labor-free. She just had to pay for prints. She agreed on the mileage. About a week before the wedding, I told her how much it'll probably cost to get up there and back. She fought with me about how much it would cost. That should have tipped me off right from the beginning. A few days before the wedding, she put $100 in my account. It cost $100 just to get up there.

This bride had absolutely no consideration for me as her photographer. She said, "You have to be there at 9am so we can start pictures." I was there, and ready to start taking pictures, by 8:45am. 9am came and went. No bride...no groom. No one was there. The bride pulled up at about 9:10...not even ready. She wasn't dressed. She wasn't even close to being ready. I went up to the room where she was getting ready with her. I wanted to get pictures of her getting dressed, but she didn't want me to see her naked. Pfft. I couldn't believe it. However, some of the best pictures came from this scenario.

Well, pictures started, and the family was barking at me. Every single one of them. I don't work well under all these things. I don't work well when people think they know better than I do. I AM the photographer her, am I not?

I was SO happy once it was all over with. I got to go back to my Grandma's house, and pack my stuff up to leave.

The weekend turned great as soon as I was done with it. I got to spend time with my cousin Nicole and her husband. They're good people. We like them. We went to eat, and then we went to see The Dark Knight when Bryce got off work.

We were supposed to leave on Sunday, but we ended up staying another day. Woot! It was a nice vacation.

I do believe that is all for now.

***Side note on a previous post***

That kid that got hit by a car? Yeah. His girlfriend was pregnant when it happened (apparently) and now they are married. I heard that the only reason he married her was because he wanted to do the right thing by her and the baby, I guess. I also heard that he didn't like her, neither did his friends.

I think that pregnancy is one of THE WORST reasons to get married. That is my personal opinion, but I do think it is. If you're miserable before you get married, chances are, you'll be miserable forever. That child deserves happy parents, even if they are happy with someone else.

See y'all later! For real this time.

Maggie

I have the best dog ever. No really. She's great. She may not have the best manners...and she may not listen all the time, but she's better than anything I could have hoped for. As far as love goes, I love her. Almost like I would a child.

I got her late on a Friday night. I actually first saw her a few days prior, outside of Wal-Mart. Go figure. My sister begged me to take her to look at her. I told her no. If I looked at her, I'd fall in love with her and I'd have to have her. One look at this little puppy in a cage, and I was done for. I asked them if they could hold her until Friday, and they did. My mom was kind of pissed when I told her I bought a dog. I promised her she'd fall in love with her as soon as she saw her. I carried her in the house, and my mom loved her as soon as she held her.

Its been two and a half years, and I still love her like I did that day. Maybe more so. I've never known a love like this. Its odd. People who don't like animals don't get it. People that do, understand it completely. She knows when I'm getting ready to leave for work, and she's waiting at the window for me to come home every night. She always seems so excited when I walk through the door. Her whole back end wags. Her tail is docked, so her entire back end has to compensate for lack of tail.

She's been sleeping in my bed since about the third night she was here. She's a bed hog, and she snores, but she keeps me warm and it's nice knowing that someone loves me enough to sleep with me. She twitches, and she has her puppy dreams. I've recently realized that she sucks her tongue. She makes this clicking sound, and it sounds like she's sucking something. Definitely adorable.

I'm so glad she's here, and I'm so glad she's mine.